Controlling

Goals

1. Describe controlling.
2. Avoid being controlled.
3. Skillfully deal with people who are controlling.

What?

Control is when a person tries to manipulate or dominate others to get what they want—often at the expense of others’ autonomy.

It serves the controller’s needs but may not serve the target’s best interests.

Controlling behavior often stems from a desire to feel secure, important, or in control, and uses emotional, verbal, or situational tactics to limit others’ freedom.

Features of Controlling Behavior

• Demanding compliance instead of collaboration
• Undermining others’ confidence
• Using guilt, fear, or obligation to influence behavior
• Insisting on having the final say in all matters
• Monitoring, correcting, or micromanaging others excessively

Controlling can range from subtle and well-meaning to manipulative and abusive.

Examples of Controlling Behavior

1. A partner constantly checks their spouse’s phone and becomes angry if they talk to others.
2. A manager overrides all employee decisions and insists every task be done exactly their way.
3. A friend guilt-trips you whenever you spend time with someone else.
4. A parent refuses to let their adult child make their own choices, even in personal matters.
5. A teacher punishes students for expressing disagreement, demanding obedience instead of discussion.
6. A team member insists on approving every part of a group project and rejects any suggestion they didn’t initiate.

Why?

• Protect your autonomy: Recognize when your rights or freedom are being limited.
• Preserve relationships: Understand and address harmful patterns without escalating conflict.
• Avoid manipulation: Learn to detect emotional tactics like guilt, fear, or coercion.
• Support others: Help people who may be under control of others.
• Self-awareness: Avoid becoming controlling yourself, especially with good intentions.
• Improve leadership: Healthy influence requires respect, not control.

How?

Principles

• Respect autonomy: Everyone deserves the freedom to make their own choices.
• Awareness: Spot the signs of control early, both in yourself and others.
• Boundaries: Establish and protect healthy limits.
• Assertiveness: Communicate clearly and calmly when something feels off.
• Empathy with firmness: Try to understand the reasons for control, without allowing it to dominate you.
• Responsibility: Focus on what you can control—your behavior, your reactions.

How to Deal With Controlling People

1. Recognize the behavior: Trust your discomfort. Ask yourself if your choices or voice are being limited.
2. Set clear boundaries: Politely but firmly state what is acceptable and what is not.
3. Don’t justify everything: Controlling people often push for explanations to wear you down.
4. Stay calm and confident: Reacting emotionally often gives them more leverage.
5. Use “I” statements: Speak from your experience rather than accusing—e.g., “I feel uncomfortable when…”
6. Limit time or dependence: If possible, reduce your exposure to controlling people or their control over your outcomes.
7. Seek support: Talk to friends, mentors, or professionals if needed.

How to Avoid Being Controlling

1. Check your intentions: Are you trying to help or to control? Are you acting from fear?
2. Encourage autonomy: Offer suggestions, not demands.
3. Be curious, not directive: Ask others what they think or want.
4. Accept differences: Not everyone will choose as you would—and that’s okay.
5. Watch for guilt or fear tactics: Notice if you’re using them, even subtly.
6. Let go of perfectionism: Often, controlling behavior is a misguided attempt to reduce uncertainty or avoid failure.

Tips

• Ask yourself: “Am I honoring this person’s right to make their own decision?”
• When faced with controlling behavior, don’t escalate—stay centered and clear.
• Practice saying no without guilt.
• If you grew up around control, be gentle with yourself as you unlearn these patterns.
• Influence is ethical and collaborative; control is coercive.