Active Listening

Goals

1. Describe active listening.
2. Excel at active listening.
3. Reap the rewards: you pick up messages, others feel cared about, valued, heard, and you get social connections, and far less conflict.

Definition

Active listening is a combination of key behaviors whose purpose is to deeply understand the sender’s messages and to signal that you have heard and that you care. The behaviors include.

1. Giving full attention to the speaker.
2. Being present in the moment without judgment: observe, don’t evaluate.
3. Demonstrating genuine interest and curiosity.
4. Responding with empathy and compassion.

Rationale

1. You feel great because others feel heard, respected, and valued.
2. You are more likely to accurately understand messages and respond appropriately.
3. You build trust, rapport, and strong relationships.

Active Listening (How To)

Active listening is like a golf swing: once the neural pathways are built, it feels natural. Building those pathways requires repetition, feedback, and continual improvement.

Important skills to practice:

1. Presence: Return attention to the speaker each time your mind wanders. This aligns with mindfulness practices.
2. Observe without Judging: Notice what is happening rather than labeling it good or bad. Turn down the brain’s instinctive judging.
3. Curiosity: Look for something genuinely interesting in every message.
4. Paraphrasing: Capture the essence of what was said in your own words, including both emotional and cognitive meaning.
5. Validating: Validating a person’s point of view means showing that you understand how their perspective makes sense from within their world. That is, you can see the logic, feelings, and experiences that lead them to that view.
6. Compassion: Recognize challenges the speaker is facing and feel moved to support them—without judgment or expectation.
7. Body Language: - Maintain friendly eye contact (around 60% of the time). - Face the speaker with an open posture. - Keep hands visible and relaxed. - Match the speaker’s level (sit or stand similarly). - Mirror the speaker subtly to show attunement.

Facts

Active listening is not agreeing with the speaker. It is ensuring that they feel heard, understood, and validated.

Active listening is uncommon. My estimate is that less than 3% of listening is active listening.

Success Criteria

Signs that active listening is working:

1. A shared sense of connection.
2. People say they feel truly listened to.
3. Conversations flow with little defensiveness or conflict.

TwFs